Social Etiquette- a lost art?

I've been meaning to touch upon the subject of social etiquette for a while but have always been side tracked or left wondering if it's at all worth giving my two pennies on a subject that sometimes leaves me slightly speechless..


Social etiquette is supposedly a set of behaviours based on societal norms, (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etiquette). These behaviours would include things like communication, manners, social interaction and dress. In this day and age many of these norms have become almost global or at least for those with access to a global audience. These would typically manifest themselves in a work environment with a cross cultural and societal workforce. For example, one wouldn't think twice about shaking a woman's hand in England, but would the same apply to Saudi Arabia?


Part of social etiquette is at least the ability to recognise that there can be differences in societal norms depending on what part of the world you're from..social etiquette can also adapt to smaller groups such as the ability to know how to socially interact with peers as opposed to those who may have a more senior position in your circle of acquaintances...without even recognising the possibility of these differences and their impact on your behaviour, social etiquette, in my opinion, goes out of the window.


The reason for me writing about this..well I don't know if it's just me but I keep coming across what I see as lack of social etiquette and basic manners. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ms prim and proper but what I do acknowledge is the difference in my behaviour, my speech, my tone, and sometimes my dress depending on where I am and who I'm talking to. Is it too much to ask therefore to expect the same from others? I'm not saying that people should be chameleons, changing their 'colours' at the drop of a hat..what I'm saying is that people should have enough sense to know what is appropriate behaviour and what isn't.


A personal example of this is a comment made recently by an 'auntyji', a long time acquaintance of my mother who felt the need to tell me that I'd put on a lot of weight since she last saw me 6 years ago. Bearing in mind this was 2 weeks after I had given birth to my son, I thought this was a slightly misplaced comment and regardless of when it was said, quite rude. What made this comment worse was that she said it within 5 minutes of coming into the room and in front of a bunch of people. You're probably thinking she was some uneducated woman with little care for such mundane matters as etiquette..hmmm..well you need to meet this woman's daughter in law who a few years back tried to impress me by telling me all about her French classes at the French institute and how hard it all was..that was until I told her I had studied French at university and had lived in Paris for a year...Wooomffffff...I practically saw her deflate in front of me...Nope this auntyji had no idea about what was appropriate in conversation and probably thought she was doing me a favour by telling me about my weight..duh lady I think I've noticed!


The reason I'm writing this post is to remind people that to make conversation and to behave appropriately is an art. It isn't taught in schools or universities so it doesn't mean a bachelors degree will somehow automatically teach you social etiquette. Nor does money buy you manners. It comes with a certain humility, a level of interaction with people and observation. So the next time you feel the need to comment on someone's weight, height, looks, dress etc etc don't feel like you have to hold back but at least try and figure out a way in which you don't sound like rude oaf!

Wow has it been that long??!

Gosh, my last post was back in December. It's really been 5 months??!! Time has flown by and I'm now une maman...yup, motherhood beckoned and I welcomed it with open arms:)...our little bundle of joy arrived on April 1st..hahahaha...I tried to cross my legs but it didn't work since he was born by emergency c section ...we named our son 'Ayaan' which in Arabic means 'gift from God' and he truly is a wonderful gift..the last few weeks have been to be honest a bit of a blur. I came home 2 days after Ayaan was born and to the noted disapproval of our midwife. She wanted me in an extra day and I was adamant that I wanted to take my baby home.

Tired? who me?
The following hours, days and weeks after the birth have been a constant series of feeding, nappy changes, sleepless nights, crying (both Ayaan and myself), more feeding, more nappy changes, lots of visitors etc etc..you get the idea. I must admit that even though I have been brought up amongst lots of children and my mother was a nursery teacher, nothing prepared me for having a baby of my own.

Breast is best- but boy does it hurt!
I didn't have the easiest of pregnancies, lots of scares and visits to the hospital, regular appointments with our consultant and scans every month..I kept thinking throughout the 9 months that once the baby was in my arms I would be ok. Ha! I sometimes find myself checking up on Ayaan to see if he's still breathing, I worry that he isn't being fed enough, although that's pretty much down to people saying he's hungry whenever he even so much as whimpers...I just want to say that breastfed babies tend to feed more often than totally formula fed babies as the breast milk digests quicker thus the baby gets hungry. I've just had to bite my tongue sometimes when everyone profers their opinions even if it's been upsetting.

Breastfeeding is tough; especially if you're a total anti Gina Ford (like moi) and feed on demand. I'm lucky that I have words of encouragement from other mothers who have chosen to breast feed, but I found it hard sitting there for hours on end, especially at night staring at the four walls. I've now chosen to use formula for 2 of Ayaan's feeds which helps him settle down for a bit longer than he would. Have I felt guilty about this? Hell yes..I was adamant I wanted to exclusively breastfeed as this is what is best. The addition of formula was more for my sake than for Ayaan's. I've realised though, that instead of heaping expectations upon myself, I just need to find the right balance and approach. I'm trying to make this my mantra...

Anyway, Ayaan is nearly 7 weeks old and is a real character. He smiles lots, cries lots, feeds lots and poos lots..:)..I never know where the day goes and I really look forward to Atif coming home so I get a bit of adult conversation, even if that conversation is centred around all things baby:)

Baby changing rooms
We've taken Ayaan out quite a bit as I don't want him to get too used to being home alone with me. I even managed to take him on public transport to do a bit of shopping...yay, what an achievement! The real test will be this Friday when I take him into London to visit daddy's office..hmmmmmmmmm...this is probably the only time I wish I had an iphone as there's a cool little app that shows where all the decent baby changing facilities are. Trust me, when you have a screaming hungry baby and you're out and about, it's one of the most stressful things ever...it's been enough to reduce me to tears and wish I hadn't gone out.

I'm now on a mission to name and shame bad baby changing facilities and I'll start off with Hounslow Treaty shopping centre. What idiot thought is was a good idea to have music blasting into a baby room where mothers may want to feed and soothe their babies? I took Ayaan and the place stank of urine, had loud music and had these awful plastic chairs that wouldn't be amiss in a prison. We lasted about 10 minutes in there, enough for me to calm him down and then ended up in starbucks to calm me down!!! Anyway, if anyone out there comes across a very good, or very bad baby changing room, please feel free to let me know and I'll add it to my list.

Anyway, Ayaan is just about to get up and so I'd better wrap this up pdq...just a quick nod to Tamreez for kickstarting my blogging again.http://blog.asimandtamreez.co.uk

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Since my last post there have been student 'riots', an attack on Charles and Camilla, a hike in tuition fees, even more consultations released by government and of course the wikileaks saga continues.

Today we find out that the U.S is going to sue B.P over the oil disaster and yet the people of Bhopal still await justice. Pity the Indian government didn't pursue this as vigorously and aggressively as they should have. It's a bit late now to pretend that they care about ordinary and poor Indian citizens.

Is it me or are these strange times we're in? I keep feeling that I'm suddenly going to wake up to find it's all a horrid nightmare...

Well that would be wishful thinking and part of me just wants to emigrate, although I wouldn't know where to. Is anywhere better than here? I suppose running away from problems is never the answer but it seems that this government is hellbent on pushing through whatever money saving measures they have without thinking of the societal impact this will have. They keep coming out with words such as 'fairness' 'big society' 'austerity' etc etc. Yet how can you bring in models of change when you haven't even bothered doing your homework? How is 'fairness' an objective term for a government to use to inform policy? Surely the language of equality which is embedded in law is a better benchmark, but the Tories seem to be afraid of the word 'equality'.

What they called 'riots' is probably a precursor to the kind of demonstration of public discontent we are probably going to see in the next year or so when the cuts really start to bite. Unfortunately there has been little robust opposition from Labour which is probably because they don't know quite how to position themselves yet. They managed to self combust and are now in the process of regrouping, but they bloody well better hurry up...because people like me are looking for alternative solutions...

As a last point, as a person with a disability, I was shocked and disgusted by the police's treatment of a disabled student protestor (Jodie McIntyre). They dragged him out of his wheelchair, which they must have thought was a prop I'm assuming???..during the last student demo. Watching this on youtube made me feel sick to the stomach. We smugly tell the rest of the world about human rights and yet see human rights' abuses on our doorstep. Welcome to the brave new world.

A winter of discontent

I've been on another hiatus and wish I could tell you that I've been gallavanting around the world doing some incredibly interesting and exciting stuff..alas! alack! no such luck..although one day this blog may come to you from some distant and far off land from the tales of Marco Polo ...well I can dream!!

Actually there is a lot I've wanted to write about; the spending cuts, welfare reform, and the rise of the right. It's 'funny' how in times of economic strife, it's the visible minorities that get targeted as scapegoats. As anyone who has studied history and the rise of fascism and nazism, you'll see the same patterns emerging, just a different set of protagonists and a different set of bogeymen.

The Guardian recently highlighted how the Roma gypsies are being abused and assaulted as well as being targeted by governments. The friendly French didn't think a niqab ban was evidence enough of liberte, egalite and fraternite, they thought that getting rid of the gypsies would also help towards pandering to the far right (Vichy anyone?). Sarkozy, I fear has a touch of the Napoleon in more ways than one...

In Britain, it's the Muslims, immigrants, refugees and asylum seekers (let's just bunch them under the banner of immigrant benefit scrounging, job stealing, white slave trading, terrorists - this pretty much encapsulates what The Daily Mail/Express/Star and The Sun think anyway)... so there's not just the BNP (although they have currently imploded), we now have the English Defence League (EDL) who apparently are saving England from Sharia and those nasty Muslims who are heaven/hellbent on (depending on which side of the fence you're on) taking over England, Britain..nay the whole of the world and impose ..wait for it...HALAL CHICKEN..the dutty barstewards!! sorry I couldn't resist...and the really funny thing is that there are some brown and dark brown and black people who suddenly think they're job is to defend England as well by joining the EDL and standing outside KFC with placards reading 'GET RID OF HALAL CHICKEN IN KFC' or maybe outside Toby Carvery with 'THE EDL IS DEFENDING THE ENGLISH CHICKEN'S RIGHT TO BE STUNNED NOT HAVE ITS NECK CUT OFF WITH SOME ARABIC CHANTING' ...what a bunch of nutjobs...the thing is, didn't people say that about Hitler and his little army of aryans before they dragged the whole world into war and killed a few million Jews? Us humans sure have short memories! I reckon I'd like to stick the EDL, BNP and Muslims against the Crusades and any other crazy nutjob in a field full of horseshit where they'll feel right at home, and let them fight amongst themselves. Meanwhile the rest of us normal people can get on with dealing whether we'll vote Wagner or Matt on the Xfactor!

That last bit really was a joke, what I meant to say was dealt with the stupendous welfare benefit reform and spending cuts that were recently announced. Now I'm not housing or welfare expert but even I can see that there are some serious flaws. If it were only the poor that were being affected then we'd probably ignore it because they all want to be there so they can live off benefits. However it isn't just the 'lazy' poor that are being targeted but Middle England. The child benefit cut pretty much left a lot of people astounded. Thanks to the Daily Mail housing benefit seems to be fair target although I do think like many others that the reform is ever so slightly flawed. If you want to create ghettos and even more social exclusion then this is one way of doing it. The mixed rhetoric from government also doesn't help. Maybe Nick Clegg keeps forgetting which party he belongs to? Nick! You're a libdem! You know, the ones that said no to a hike in uiversity tuition fees!

I'm pretty sure this is a 'wait and see' game as the level of reform being proposed and the level of cuts being pursued are so extensive that I don't think anyone can accurately predict what the situation will be in 2 year's time. All I know is that there are a lot of local volunteer and community groups that have done a lot of good work that are suddenly facing a bleak future due to funding cuts. Not so much 'Big Society' ...more Con-dem BS in my opinion...

Pakistan Floods

The Pakistan floods are the worst the country has ever seen. It is estimated that approxmitately 20 million people have been adversely affected by the floods and what has the response been? Well, let's just say it reminds me of the media/political/charitable aftermath of Katrina. In the days after Katrina I received a shocking email with a photo of an African American person on top of their flooded house with a sign saying 'SOS Crack needed' ...the photo had been conjured up of course by someone with enough time to use a disaster to make a racist, disgusting point; the Blacks in the South were all crack heads and needed their fix, not aid.

Fast forward to 2010 and the pitiful response to the Pakistan floods highlight how public perception is affected by a constant drip feed of anti/negative Pakistan 'reporting'. If Pakistan isn't supporting the Taliban, then it's supporting anti Indian terrorists, if not anti Indian terrorists then pro Al- Qaeda terrorist...and if not terrorists, then Pakistan is full to the brim with super corrupt politicians. Of course this is the whole of Pakistan. Let's not in any shape way or form show the human face; You know, the ordinary people who go about their daily lives trying to make ends meet, trying to look after their families, trying to have a bit of fun. Of course Pakistanis don't do that. They're all a miserable bunch who send their kids to extremist fuelled madrasahs in Peshawar where they teach them about infidels and kalashnikovs or whatever the gun du jour is.

It's very easy to point the finger and call Pakistan a 'failed state' or for David Cameron to crudely pander to the Indians by calling Pakistan two faced but I'm still not understanding how this has anything to do with humanitarian aid. In the face of natural disaster these people have at worst lost their lives and at best, their homes, their livelihoods and their security.

Is the limited response due to people thinking the DEC campaign is actually funding the extremist/islamist/fundamentalist/radical aid workers???

All I know is that people...wake up...this is about having compassion. If you don't have the money to help, then fundraise. If you can't fundraise then at least raise awareness so other people may help. Don't demonise a whole people and let them suffer more than they are already.

RAHA International

I just wanted to raise awareness of a non-profit organisation based in Kenya called RAHA International. This organisation is as grassroots as you can get and I'm hoping that people who read this post, take some time to visit RAHA's website and look at the case studies.

Background
RAHA was set up by three sisters Daksha, Nimi and Joshna Hirani a few years ago, but was officially registered in 2008. Nimi says that she was tired of seeing money being wasted by some charities and others providing aid in return for adherence to a particular faith; 'God for aid' she calls it. Instead, the Hirani sisters wanted RAHA to be simple, provide the basics,give people dignity and let people work it out themselves.

RAHA's main aim is to provide and facilitate access to education for young people who otherwise would not have been able to. Nimi who has a background in social medicine, drug, alcohol and HIV work says she benefited from the opportunities and choices having an education has given her. RAHA is raising funds not only for current students but what those who may come to them in the future for assistance.


Jeremiah's success
Jermiah Kangele will be an aeronautical Engineer in July. He was breaking stone at building sites when RAHA came accross him. RAHA helped his mum find a job and got him started on his course. He is a clever man who just needed a little support. He will feed his entire family once he finds employment.

For such a 'young' charity, RAHA is doing pretty amazing work and Nimi is adamant that administration costs will be kept to a minimum so that funds can go directly to those who most need the help.

For more information or to make a donation please contact info@rahainternational.com

Human Rights

Last week I went to a seminar on PR, Diversity and Public Engagement. Attending as speakers were people like Sue Caro, Senior Diversity Manager at the BBC and Afua Hirsch, The Guardian's legal affairs correspondent.

I didn't get to ask Sue my questions relating to the BBC's committment to diversity. It was pretty ironic that on her powerpoint she had the logo for BBC Asian Network, a radio station that is currently facing the axe. It's funny how anything 'ethnic' loses funding as soon as financial cuts are announced. I wanted to ask whether BBC Asian Network wasn't doing a good enough job and that was why it was going to go...

I also wanted to ask her why, on her diversity showreel, every single muslim person shown was talking about religion. Is that all muslim people do? Talk mosques, religion, ramadan and of course terrorism? (The Eastenders gay plot is just a blip in the system) My message to the beeb is "think out of the box because you're spending my money and not doing a good enough job of it"

I didn't get to ask my questions because there were loads of other people who had comments to make around media culture being white male dominated. Apparently it used to be a lot worse in the 80s...doh! really...that's not really an answer I want to hear as a yard stick for how things have improved. Is that what I should tell young black kids..."well you know back in the 50s black Americans had to sit at the back of a bus and used to get lynched in Alabama..look how lucky you have it now!"

Afua Hirsch spoke eloquently about the Human Rights Act and why it is there for us all. She highlighted how tabloids have misquoted and misrepresented the act and how it has sometimes been enforced incorrectly which have all led to it being perceived as protecting criminals and immigrants and all things 'other'. If you have a quick look on the link you'll find it hard pressed to disagree with what it covers.

Afua's presentation reaffirmed my committment to try and think past the headlines in both the tabloid and broadsheet press. Human rights are not just about moral relativism, or about protecting criminals; it is about having a base line for everyone regardless of who (this encompasses everything about a person's identity) they are.

Every now and then I come across people who challenge my beliefs, my thoughts and my opinions and the speakers at the seminar did plenty of that.